Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a battle, never knowing who will be the next to fall. I have to stay alert and engaged or it could be me. I just heard that one of the guys I drove with to Akron has fallen yet again. He reminds me more of a kamikaze pilot who pulls up at the last minute. OK enough with the war analogies. Another example of the dire nature of this thing is that the young guy from the Tuesday meeting who is in the hospital is looking very bad. He will likely lose his entire leg if he makes it at all.
No analogies needed there.

What is it about things going well that can be so dangerous for someone like me? This week I've had moments of total gratitude and serenity only to be followed by the desire to do something really stupid. For example, even though I've started feeling strong while running and working out, I also really wanted to smoke. I suppose it's my disease attempting to use a moment of weakness against me. I personally don't think it's very nice of my disease to do that.

By the way, here are some pictures from the Akron trip.

Does it matter?

I went up to my in-laws' cabin this weekend. It was made very
clear to me how little they understand the concept of alcoholism. For example, they still seem to think my sister in law, the family
drunk, just needs to get her shit together so she can go back to
drinking normally. They also said there is no such thing as an
alcoholic, just someone who is trying to escape reality. I suppose in some ways that's true but it still pissed me off. Later, a huge, nearly violent, argument broke out in the house between my niece and nephew (an
argument I highly doubt would have gotten so out of control had
alcohol not been involved). I made the point that I was glad I don't have
to live like that anymore. That didn't go over too well, since there
was total denial that alcohol had anything to do with it.

No, it doesn't matter.

Founders day

Great weekend. The thought of drinking was nonexistent. For me at
least. One reason is because I was traveling with a guy who is still
thinking a lot about drinking despite consequences that even I have
never contemplated. Homeless. Beaten up. Friendless. Jobless.
Hopeless. But still struggling with details of the Program like
whether God exists, which version of God other members are praying
to, whether one can be an individual in AA, etc, etc...

It made me thankful to be a thoroughly indoctrinated member (TIM).

For crying out loud

I cried for the past three days in a row.

I suppose I had fairly legitimate reasons to cry. Overall I think it is a good thing that I am able to actually get emotional enough to tear up, but it's something I'm certainly not used to.

I went to a funeral and lost it when I watched 13 grandchildren place flowers on their dearly departed grandfather's grave. It brought me back to my own grandpa's funeral. The next day I cried out of pride when my daughter was honored at church for memorizing all the books of the Bible. She was graduating from the little kid youth group to the big kid youth group. I got emotional just thinking about how fast she has been growing up. Then to top it off, she was chosen to speak at her 6th grade graduation ceremony. To be honest, I thought it was a little excessive to have a commencement event at that age. But, when they started showing slides of the kids going back to their first days in kindergarten, I was a goner. Then, when my daughter got up and spoke with poise in front of all those parents and kids, I was so proud I could hardly control myself. Then, when they started announcing recipients of a Presidential award for academic achievement, I actually secretly hoped she wouldn't be called up because I wasn't sure if I could maintain my composure. Of course I knew she would because she has had straight A's for as long as I can remember.

Despite all my mistakes, I must have done something right as a parent.

Now, I don't mind shedding a few tears here and there but when it feels like I might actually start sobbing, I think it's a little weird. I just don't like feeling that out of control, especially in public. I know... that's my ego talking. The reality is I'm back in the land of the living. There was a time when I couldn't drum up a tear to save my life. Well, that's not entirely true. There were plenty of times when I cried like a little bitch with my head buried the toilet, puking my guts out.

Times have changed.