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Frontline has a documentary called "The Mormons.". I started watching
it on line yesterday. The interesting thing is that the LDS church
gave its assistance instead of blocking the project as it normally
does. I really want to visit Utah now.

My first wife

What's the difference between standing up for yourself and being a prideful dick?  It seems like either way it ends up in an arguement.  I suppose the key is whether or not there are loving intentions, which I certainly don't always have.  So somehow I went from being a hero for baking cookies with the kids to winning this week's bad husband award (a very prestigious honor).

 

I started reading "Under The Banner of Heaven".  So now when I contemplate the best way to approach my marriage I think, WWURD?

 

(what would Uncle Rulon do)?

The Heavenly Father believes in the purity of plural marriage.

We've been watching the HBO show Big Love this week. It is so good.
It focuses on a polygamist family in Utah. Wow. I have trouble
enough with one wife, much less three.

Waste it. Spend it. Invest it.

The kids and I went to chuch this morning, as we do most Sundays. I went in with a bad attitude mostly because because I wasn't feeling well. As the service started I was wondering what I was doing there. Just when I was considering sneaking out to take a walk, a mother and daughter did a duet that was so beautiful I almost cried. Later the pastor spoke about the three options we have for what we can do with life: Waste it. Spend it. Invest it. I've done a lot of wasting and spending but not enough investing. So despite my intention to sleep through the service I went away inspired and realizing I really need to get my shit together and start giving something back. I need to shift my focus from 99% about me and my problems to 99% on helping others. That was clearly the intent because as we left the sanctuary there were tables set up displaying all sorts of volunteer opportunities. My daughter, who already drank the Kool-Aid, somehow talked me into joining the choir. I was actually thinking more about something like taking meetings into to detox or getting on a speaker list. But I suppose being a positive example to my kids is a good start.

I'm planning to run in the Torchlight 5k tomorrow. It has been a long time since I've run in an organized event. The last one was back in 2000 when I ran the Twin Cities Marathon. I was in much better running shape then. That was before I started smoking and boozing again. Slowly but surely though I'm getting back into form.

SNews

Relationship news...

 

A stressed out and ornery woman ain't easy to live with.

 

I suppose I haven't always been easy to live with either.  A slight understatement?

 

The job front...

 

I've reworked my resume to apply for a job in the sales organization.  I'm kind of excited about this position.  It is a role where I would be working with other companies to encourage them to sell our annuities.  The people working in that area now are making a shite-load of money.  Not that I NEED more money.  I just like the idea of being judged for tangible results rather than the personal opinions and sexual frustration of lonely, power-hungry women.  My sister-in-law recently ran the sales organization.  She and I are planning on discussing the job at a family gathering tomorrow.  Hopefully she can provide some valuable insight.

 

Fireworks...

 

Seriously, how many more fireworks displays am I required to view in my lifetime?  The Chinese really need to come up with something new.

 

 

Shoes, shorts and socks required

I've had a nice day hanging out at the Spyhouse Cafe. I updated my resume, which is a major step in the path to my next job. I've also got another friend involved in the search. He is an experienced consultant so he should be a big help if I go in that direction.

My wife and I have been having some great days. We started the week with a tough session with the therapist, which could have caused things to go down hill. Instead we have been doing our homework with great results. We went running together for our regular meeting. Then we had a family meeting where we laid out the new world order to the kids. No longer will Seeta be the sole disciplinarian and there will be real consequences for their offenses. Last night we went to a movie together. I "won" tickets to an advanced screening of the film "Broken English" at the Lagoon Theatre. It was dang good. Afterwards we hung out at the Spyhouse. Not a single tense moment. Not bad.

There's a guy walking across the street wearing shorts with dress socks and dress shoes. Maybe that look is finally going to have its moment in fashion. Its been a long time coming.

Bedrock

I'm struggling with the short-timer mentality that goes with thinking I won't be around at my job for long.  My boss picked up on it.  Not in that I wasn't doing my job but that he sensed I was not my normal talkative self.  He did recognize my one year anniversary (a day early), which was kind of him.  He also noted that he had put me on his church's prayer list about a year ago.  Also nice, but it kind of freaks me out.  I'm just not used to that kind of thing - especially from my boss.  I feel kind of guilty that I've had such a bad attitude about his attempts at friendship.  However, the truth is that it just doesn't make sense as long as I report to him.  Hopefully that won't continue for long.  I asked my high roller friend to put the feelers out with his high roller contacts over at the North Oaks Country Club.  He says I should be able to have some conversations with some of them at a minimum.  I've always figured that I would try to hook my friends up if I had struck it rich.  I supposed that mentality is why I probably will never strike it rich.  In the words of Fred Flintstone, "Nice guys finish last."

L 4

What is it about my job that I like?

- The people who report to me
- The view out of my window from the 22ND floor
- Rescuing messed up projects
- Having the right answer to a problem no one else could solve
- Sharing my technical knowledge
- Being within walking distance of several Caribou's
- Being able to exercise over my lunch break
- A lot of vacation time

Wow. This is ridiculous. It might be that I have a bad attitude right now, but I am really struggling to come up with anything about the actual job that I like. At least with my previous job I could seriously say that I enjoyed the technical aspects of the work. I liked the puzzle solving nature of it. I liked that I possessed skills few other people at the company had. I liked that I was of some use. I feel kind of useless in my current job. Although I do know that being the focus of blame serves an important purpose in any organization.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a battle, never knowing who will be the next to fall. I have to stay alert and engaged or it could be me. I just heard that one of the guys I drove with to Akron has fallen yet again. He reminds me more of a kamikaze pilot who pulls up at the last minute. OK enough with the war analogies. Another example of the dire nature of this thing is that the young guy from the Tuesday meeting who is in the hospital is looking very bad. He will likely lose his entire leg if he makes it at all.
No analogies needed there.

What is it about things going well that can be so dangerous for someone like me? This week I've had moments of total gratitude and serenity only to be followed by the desire to do something really stupid. For example, even though I've started feeling strong while running and working out, I also really wanted to smoke. I suppose it's my disease attempting to use a moment of weakness against me. I personally don't think it's very nice of my disease to do that.

By the way, here are some pictures from the Akron trip.

Does it matter?

I went up to my in-laws' cabin this weekend. It was made very
clear to me how little they understand the concept of alcoholism. For example, they still seem to think my sister in law, the family
drunk, just needs to get her shit together so she can go back to
drinking normally. They also said there is no such thing as an
alcoholic, just someone who is trying to escape reality. I suppose in some ways that's true but it still pissed me off. Later, a huge, nearly violent, argument broke out in the house between my niece and nephew (an
argument I highly doubt would have gotten so out of control had
alcohol not been involved). I made the point that I was glad I don't have
to live like that anymore. That didn't go over too well, since there
was total denial that alcohol had anything to do with it.

No, it doesn't matter.

Founders day

Great weekend. The thought of drinking was nonexistent. For me at
least. One reason is because I was traveling with a guy who is still
thinking a lot about drinking despite consequences that even I have
never contemplated. Homeless. Beaten up. Friendless. Jobless.
Hopeless. But still struggling with details of the Program like
whether God exists, which version of God other members are praying
to, whether one can be an individual in AA, etc, etc...

It made me thankful to be a thoroughly indoctrinated member (TIM).

For crying out loud

I cried for the past three days in a row.

I suppose I had fairly legitimate reasons to cry. Overall I think it is a good thing that I am able to actually get emotional enough to tear up, but it's something I'm certainly not used to.

I went to a funeral and lost it when I watched 13 grandchildren place flowers on their dearly departed grandfather's grave. It brought me back to my own grandpa's funeral. The next day I cried out of pride when my daughter was honored at church for memorizing all the books of the Bible. She was graduating from the little kid youth group to the big kid youth group. I got emotional just thinking about how fast she has been growing up. Then to top it off, she was chosen to speak at her 6th grade graduation ceremony. To be honest, I thought it was a little excessive to have a commencement event at that age. But, when they started showing slides of the kids going back to their first days in kindergarten, I was a goner. Then, when my daughter got up and spoke with poise in front of all those parents and kids, I was so proud I could hardly control myself. Then, when they started announcing recipients of a Presidential award for academic achievement, I actually secretly hoped she wouldn't be called up because I wasn't sure if I could maintain my composure. Of course I knew she would because she has had straight A's for as long as I can remember.

Despite all my mistakes, I must have done something right as a parent.

Now, I don't mind shedding a few tears here and there but when it feels like I might actually start sobbing, I think it's a little weird. I just don't like feeling that out of control, especially in public. I know... that's my ego talking. The reality is I'm back in the land of the living. There was a time when I couldn't drum up a tear to save my life. Well, that's not entirely true. There were plenty of times when I cried like a little bitch with my head buried the toilet, puking my guts out.

Times have changed.

Phoneless

I don't feel that great about how I played tuesdy night. Plus,
apparently, everyone else playing were pros. So why play at all,
right? Wrong. This is a perfect opportunity to work against my
perfectionism. Its ok for me not to be the best. Its still a lot of
fun and a rush to get up on stage.

I ran into an old AA friend that night too. He was back drinking. Its
hard to judge but he didn't seem too happy. I haved him my number and
when I asked for his he admitted that he doesn't have a phone
currently. I'm just saying ...

Open mic

I'm sitting here at the Chatter Box pub waiting for the open mic to
get going. I'm not sure wich songs to play. I suppose ill let the
spirit move me when I get up there.

Le Meeting was good tonight. I've been focusing on meeting newcomers
so I can snag a sponsee. It helps me not to feel out of place, which
is normal for me when I expect people to approach me and make me feel
wanted. It also gives me a reason to show up early.

Time to sing...

The past week has been full of highs, lows and everything in-between. Well, when I say highs and lows I should clarify that my definition of high and low has narrowed significantly over the past year. High no longer means total euphoria and low no longer means complete demoralization. I can also experience both at the same time. For example, I visited one of the guys from Tuesday at the hospital this week. He apparently had a slip and ended up unconscious for a few days. Now he's on a ventilator in the ICU at HCMC. I consider that a low. However, I went over to the hospital with my friend Cary W and we had a great conversation. I left energized and grateful for my life. Other "highs" this week:

- Eating breakfast at Al's in Dinkytown.

- Drinking coffee at an outdoor cafe on a beautiful sunny day.

- Taking a walk though the Arbor Lakes area with my lovely wife.

- Receiving a great compliment about being a good boss

- Getting a big bear hug from my daughter

- Playing baseball with my son

- looking at my daughters kewlio henna (she wrote that)

Oh yea, the "lows":

- Finding out that my friend's dad is dying

- Dealing with one crisis after another at work

- Thinking about partying despite all the great things happening in my life

- Feeling uptight and bored at times while spending the weekend cooped
up all weekend.

Well, still not perfect but the highs far out-weigh the lows on my balance sheet. That's good enough for now.

NPD Defined

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms

• grandiosity / exaggeration
• fantastic thinking / romantic
• believes special / unique
• requires admiration
• entitled / demanding
• exploitive / manipulative
• lacks empathy
• envious / jealous
• arrogant / haughty

Great week

There are many things I could point to that would qualify this week as being kind of nasty. However when I started writing my first thought was how great this week has been. I went to great meetings Sunday and Tuesday. What made them great was the time I spent hanging with people I like. I took a risk Tuesday and met some of the guys at a cafe before the meeting. We smoked cigars and had a great conversation. I learned, yet again, that others are struggling through many of the same issues that I am. Also, my cousin moved in to my house. He's staying for a month or so. We've had a lot of fun catching up. Plus, one of my favorite bands released a new CD this week. Awesome.

The weird thing is that this has been one of the most challenging weeks I've had at work in a long time. My wife has been sick and of course we found time to argue about nothing. She still has some major issues with my past. Shocking.

Today's conclusion: The glass is half full.

10 Months Sober

Hey I just remembered that I hit the ten month mark yesterday.  I think about it not because ten months is so special but because it is that much closer to a year.  The YEAR thing does loom large for me for a couple reasons.  The first is because the CP meetings only recognize in 365 day increments.  The other is as much a reason to care about it as it is to remember that it really doesn't matter.  After having nearly 16 years under my belt, I have the feeling that having a full year will demonstrate that I am really back on track.  Really though.  More than most anyone, I should know that time is fairly irrelevant.  If I'm not doing this deal it doesn't matter how long I have.  However time does show the newcomer that it is possible to live differently.  It also shows my family that I mean business and it marks just how long the insanity has been behind us.

 

So it does matter and it doesn't matter.  It is what it is.

I vs. You

Instead of, "Why do you have to turn everything so negative?" try, "I feel upset when you speak to the kids like that."

 

Awesome!  All my problems are solved!

Shake it off!

I'd like to go at least a week without lapsing into defensiveness.
Whenever it happens an arguement is sure to follow. It is only a
problem with the love of my life though. I guess this isn't news. Its
just news to me.

Sunday meeting

I'm just walking into the mini CP meeting on a lovely Sunday evening.
I was planning on writing about what I hoped to get out of it. How
pointless! The question should be, what can I put into this meeting.
With that in mind, its time to get in there.

Chicago Acoustic Tab by Mat Kearney @ Ultimate Guitar Archive

Chicago Acoustic Tab by Mat Kearney @ Ultimate Guitar Archive

Home Delivery

If I ever write a book or a screenplay, my first subject will be my life as a milkman.  The milkman profession is a cross between wholesome, throwback, service work and the Mafia.  In one respect the modern day milkman is carrying on what is generally thought to be a long lost piece of American history.   On the other end of the spectrum are turf battles and food stamp fraud.  I remember my dad telling me about having a shotgun pointed at him by a drunk who mistook him for his neighbor.  They had apparently started a fight the night before and this guy had decided to finish it.  It almost cost my old man his life.  I never really call him my "old man".  I just thought is would sound cool.  At any rate, I might give this Milkman story some more thought.

6s and 7s

I did a blog search on Alcoholics Anonymous and came across this entry on the Reformed Blacks of America site. I'm really impressed by this guy's insight into AA as an outsider.

I recently spoke with a fellow seminary student and we talked about our experiences and requirements in various classes. He told me about the requirements for one of his classes which was to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting. The particular group with which he was required to interact was at levels 6 and 7 in the 12-step program. After he described the scene of the room and sense of encounter to me, I perked up to receive the conclusive and valuable insight regarding how to deal with the needy. Then he said something that shocked me. “Michael, I felt more accepted and received amongst that group of individuals than I do my own church family.” I was taken aback and jolted. I expected to get valuable insight on how to attend to the needy however I realized that he along with I, had been thrust into an encounter with brokenness for which we very much wanted to be involved. Instead of identifying someone else in their brokenness as though we were observers or onlookers, he and I came to understand that we were as broken as they were and very much in the middle of our own significant struggles.

Discouragingly, he understood that if his church friends did not realize and articulate their struggles, then they, regardless of how much Scripture and doctrine they understood, would be unable to realize and articulate Christ to themselves or others. The capture of our struggles and shame leads to the capture of Christ and our true selves. This is the essential story of the broken believer who rightly conceives of his brokenness. My friend continues to attend the AA meetings, not because he is an alcoholic but because of his desire to participate in uninhibited, pure and honest fellowship.

Tested

Some of the humans I work with are really pissing me off lately. The
ones who work for me aren't doing their jobs. That means I get hassled
by everyone else. Normally I can appease them by teling them I willl
start cracking heads if things don't improve. Now its not enough.
They want me to be a babysitter. I want to say leave me the frack
alone. I guess that isn't an acceptable response if I want to keep my
job. So its time to suck it up and continue taking the heat.

Good talk.

The family drunk

The wife's sister makes me so glad I'm no longer in the middle of the
hell of hating life drunk as much as sober. I just snuck out of
another family gathering where, despite just getting out of jail and
entering treatment, she is sipping on a beer. I'm impressed with her
disregard for the obvios humiliation of it all. The question is
though, why do I give a shit?

Coffee talk.

I realized yesterday that I'm not perfect. This epiphany came to me
whilst having coffee with my first wife. We are supposed to be keeping
the lines of communication open but when she talked about her
frustrations with keeping the house clean and the kids fed I just
wanted to tell her to shut the hell up and stop complaining.
Fortunately before we left I recognized how counter-productive my
attitude was and we were able to discuss ways to reduce her burden.

Friggin funny

I laughed really hard today. I consider that more progress. Maybe I'll cry sometime too and we'll really be getting somewhere. A friend of mine died right in front of me last year and I never shed a tear. I was really depressed and shook up about it but I was a little freaked out that the urge to cry never hit me. Not even when the bagpipes played at his funeral. That should have been enough to break down anyone. Not me. I teared up today though when I was laughing. I can't remember the last time that happened. So I think I'm starting to have normal feelings again. Maybe I'm just starting to have feelings again.

10 Hail Mary's

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been 6 days since my last blog entry.

Its been a weekend of sadness and gratitude. One of my in-laws wound up in the detox at 1800 Chicago with .33 blood alcohol level. This is after she smacked my wife in front of a couple police officers. So she'll have some consequences to deal with. Quite nasty. However the thing I kept thinking about through it all was, "But for the grace of God..." I am so thankful that I don't have to live that way anymore.

In other news...

My music obsession is in full swing. In the past 24 hours I bought two more albums. One by Townes Van Zandt - Nashville Sessions. I can't believe I haven't been aware of this guy until now. He's had an influence on an amazing number of other singer songwriters.

I also just downloaded the latest album from Charlotte Gainsbourg. She's the daughter of the infamous french bad boy singer Serge Gainsbourg. It's damn good. The only problem is that I now have 3,070 songs on my iPod.

My friend Jason and I have continued to hit the open mic's around town. Last Tuesday we played The Chatterbox Pub in South Minneapolis. A much different atmosphere than the artsy cafe's we've played at so far. The main difference is that nobody is really listening at The Chatterbox. At this point in my "career" that is a very good thing.

Proudayou

My wife and my son were complaining yesterday about the fact that I was going to leave them on Easter evening to go to a meeting. Then my daughter stepped in to defend me by saying, "I'm really proud of you dad." It is clear that I am pretty dang lucky. The message I took away was that my family not only wants me around but they are also really thankful for the path I'm on.

My daughter's comment probably had something to do with what she witnessed at the family get together we had Saturday. It started out as a quiet Easter/early birthday party for my son. In the end it was a gathering of slurring drunks. My wife tried to make it clear that we had to get up early Sunday for church so everyone had to leave at a decent time. Apparently decent time means 3:00am to some people. Do I sound bitter? I'm actually not. The experience left me with a lot of gratitude.

The good the bad and the ugly

I had a really great open mic experience this week. I was really relaxed and just had fun with the songs. I played four songs. That's a new record!

My daughter performed in yet another church play this week. She always makes me so proud and she really seems to be having fun.

It was 2 steps forward and one step back on the spousal front. I had the thought during one of the low points that maybe I have multiple personalities. That would explain why one moment I am content and the next I am ragefully discontented. That diagnosis doesn't hold up when I consider I only have this problem when it comes to my marriage. I'm pretty even tempered, low key and laid back with my kids, friends and at work.

Who am I?

Am I a square peg and the life I've chosen a round hole?

Or am I so deluded there is no way I could accurately assess my own situation?

Then again there are periods when everything seems to be just as it
should be. Is this the real me?

All the above?

You outta know

Yep I've been neglecting the blog this week. The good thing is that it is a sign that I'm probably getting a little less self-absorbed. Probably not enough for anyone else to notice but that's OK.

I went to a great concert Wednesday.

The In-laws

I spent the weekend with my wife's family. Here sister was in town so everyone got together. In their family get togethers equal a whole lot of drinking. The positive take away for me is that I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I felt pretty dang relaxed. No one really annoyed me either. I call that progress.

Disconnected

I have a tendency to let my spirituality slack off when things are
going well. So I need to remind myself to show gratitude where it is
due - to God.

Time to pray.

Occaisional clarity

I've been feeling a lot of gratitude for the past few days. I don't take that for granted any more.

I had a great weekend. My daughter's team took 2nd place in the big tournament. First they beat the most dominant team of the season - a team that was undefeated until our girls took them down in a shocking upset. The championship game later that day was one of the most exciting battles I've ever witnessed. We lost only after the would be winning basket went up a split second after the final buzzer. For a few seconds we thought we had won. So close! The most awesome thing to watch though was how much my daughter's skills had improved. She had the best play of the game. First she knocked down a pass and scrambled for the ball with two defenders hanging all over her. Not only did she come away with the ball but she had the presence of mind and athleticism to attempt a shot. The entire place went wild (at least I did) when the ball fell in for the score. Did I mention she got straight A's on her last report card?

Back on track?

Wow. What a week. It was rough but some really great things happened too. Both my kids came home with fabulous report cards. Also, my daughter's team won the first game in their basketball tournament. Sunita played a key role in the win. She dominated on defense and she scored the last two baskets to win the game. This is so amazing because just last year she was an absolute beginner. For example, she scored two baskets - but for the other team. Its been so much fun watching her improve and start really enjoying the game.

I've also continued to play at open mic coffee houses. It is a lot of fun but it also shows me I really need to practice.

On the rougher side, it looks like we have a plan in place: Regular coffee shop conversations and at least 6 Al-Anon meetings. I don't get the impression the Al-Anon meetings will happen any time soon though. We'll see. As long as we focus on problem resolution rather than personal gain.

Here is the Peace Pilgrim web site. Pretty cool.

Oh that's right, the Top 5:

1. Despite everything, she loves me.
2. She has an amazing capacity for forgiveness.
3. She is able to see the good in me, however well hidden.
4. Nothing is more important to her than our kids.
5. She is beautiful.

I don't even know what to think any more. Its a good thing I have
people to do that for me. I'm heading to couples therapy in an hour.
It should be fun.

I'm back. Nope. It was horrible.

I identify with this guy

Check out this news story from the BBC about Israel's ambassador to El Salvador. Just another example of how addictions can destroy someone's life. At least he'll have a good story to tell from the Podium.

The Naked Ambassador

Rough weekend

I noticed that part of my basement was flooded while hooking up my new TV. Kind of a downer on the event. It wasn't long after that that the rats in the cage started taking our frustrations out on each other.

Shrink wrapped

The shrink agrees with the sponsor. I have to accept that everything in my life has happened exactly as it was supposed to. I've learned from my mistakes and I've made my ammends. I no longer need to feel like the guilty one in my marriage. We are both responsible for working our own programs. Dr. E even questions whether my depression isn't a product of my dysfunctional marriage rather than the cause. He pointed out how much work I've done to change myself and to save the marriage. But if I am expected to wash away my sins by flooding her with affection it will never be enough. That being said...

The top 5:

1. She tells great stories about growing up in Guyana.

2. She loves going to concerts with me.

3. She has a lovely permanent tan.

4. She is a damn good nurse.

5. She is seeking God even though she doesn't know his name.

I performed at the Atelier open mic again last night. The guy who played before me was clearly a pro. I was more inspired than intimidated though. I played two songs I wrote and they went over pretty well. Still no groupies.

All is well

Both my kids were named "Citizen of the Month" at school.  I am so grateful that they are doing well.  We took them out to Buca for dinner to celebrate.  It is times like this when I can take a deep breath and feel good about my life.  I wonder how well they would be doing if my wife and I were still separated, or if I were still partying it up?  Thank God I don't have to find out.

 

Today's top 5:

 

1. She looks hot in the new jeans she bought today.

2. She understands why I feel we need a new 50" TV.

3. She says she absolutely wants me to stay sober.

4. She still believes marriage counseling can help.

5. She is constantly seeking to learn new things.

I've been working from home the past two days because of the snow. Its been kind of fun. I could get a bit stir crazy though if I had to stay home all the time. The wife was getting kind of crabby yesterday so my patience was being tested. I think I did pretty well though.

The 5:

1. She rubs my head when I have a headache.
2. She bought me a new posturepedic(?) pillow.
3. She made me chicken pot pie.
4. She tells me I'm cute (eye of the beholder)
5. She likes my singing.

I like excitement. That explains a lot about how I used to get myself into all kinds of trouble. So I've been seeking healthy ways to get my heart pumping. For example, last night I got up and played a couple songs for open mic night at the Atelier coffee house in downtown Minneapolis. What a rush. I sang "Angels Heap," by Neil and Tim Finn and "If I were a carpenter," by Tim Hardin. I don't think I butchered them too badly.

T5R2BGR8FUL4MYWIFE:

1. She had pasta waiting for me when I got home late last night.
2. She thinks I'm a freak.
3. She loves to travel (with me).
4. She believes she is psychic.
5. She makes sure the kids do their homework (sometimes I forget)

Finally

I reclaimed my place in modern society yesterday. I finally saw The Departed, Martin Scorsese's Oscar winning film. That is one good-ass movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is frigging good actor too. So is Jack Nickelson. Not really breaking news I know but that's how I feel about it.

I bought a used laptop on EBay yesterday. I really got caught up in the auction fever so I spent a little more than I had intended. I think I still got a pretty good deal on it though. Its basically the same model I have at work so there shouldn't be any suprises. Riveting information.

I'm planning on playing at an open mic cafe tonight. That is, if I have the balls to get up on stage when my name is called.

Wife top 5:

1. She doesn't freak out when I buy PCs on EBay.
2. She liked The Departed as much as I did.
3. She keeps a clean house.
4. She cooks damn good curry.
5. She stays in great shape.

Quoi?

Mon pere n'aime pas la nouvelle disc de Lucinda Williams. Pourquoi pas mon pere?

An Egyptian guy, Alaa Abdel_Fatah, was recently sentenced to 4 years in prison for being critical in his blog toward Islam and Eygytian President Hosni Mubarak. So I sent him an email letting him know I support him and I think he is pretty danged courageous. It gave me a creepy feeling though that I would get a knock on my door from the ESS (Eygtian Secret Service). Not that there is necessarily such a thing and I doubt they would do much business in WYOMING, where I currently live. Seriously though, that dude has balls. He knew he would get into trouble for sharing his views but he did it anyway. I barely have the balls to be critical of myself on my blog. So here goes:

Fatwa! I declare Jihad on the obsessions that plague my life on a daily basis. I don't need to mention them by name. They know who they are.

T5RTBGFMW (this aint easy because she's been pissing me off lately):

1. She reminds me to eat right.
2. She looks damn good in jeans.
3. She thinks she's pretty funny.
4. She thinks I'm the sexiest man alive.
5. She has good taste in men.

Dylanesque

Did you know Bryan Ferry is releasing a new solo album? Its called Dylanesque so I assume it is a bunch of Bob Dylan covers. That is great because I like Ferry's version of Dylan songs way more than Dylan's version of Dylan songs. Hopefully this also means Bryan Ferry will be going on tour. He is one of my all time favorite artists. However the fact that Bryan Ferry is releasing solo work concerns me. I thought Roxy Music was working on their first new studio recording since 1982. What's up with that?

TFRTBGFMW:

1. She also likes Bryan Ferry.
2. She went to Bryan Ferry's Mamouna concert with me in 1994.
3. She went to the Roxy Music reuinion concert with me in 2004.
4. She knows Bryan Ferry was the lead singer of Roxy Music.
5. She too hopes Roxy Music releases another album.

You win some. You lose some.

I ran into a friend last night at the Atelier Cafe in downtown Minneapolis. Tuesday is open mic night there. I had just missed his performance so we went over to his music studio/apartment to play some muzak. Next Tuesday I'm planning on playing at the open mic event. It should be fun.

In other news...

It doesn't look like its time to bring up the idea of returning to CP. It might be more trouble than its worth at this point. I also need to remember that it is my turn to make sacrifices.

Here are today's top five reasons why I am grateful for my wife:

1. She is a really fun travel companion.
2. She usually laughs at my jokes.
3. She likes Battlestar Galactica.
4. She has a great smile.
5. She sincerely cares about other people.

Here are today's top 5 reason's why I'm grateful for my wife:

1. She knows a-ha is still a great band
2. She appreciates good coffee
3. She is really good to the Arrells
4. She has a tattoo and a pierced belly button
5. She reminds me to take my vitamins

Gratitude

I have a wife who I often take for granted.  So it is time I stop and count the many reasons I have to be grateful for her.  Here are today's top 5:

1. She loves me despite all my failings.
2. She always comforts me when I'm feeling down.
3. She is a great cook.
4. She is a wonderful and loving mother to our kids.
5. She is amazingly beautiful.

In other news...

I had a great weekend.  I went to a meeting Saturday morning where I ran into a bunch of good friends.  Then I went sliding with my kids.  Bone shattering fun!  Later we went to a movie:  The Bridge to Tarabithia.  Dang good film.  The whole family went to church Sunday morning and yet again the sermon focused on exactly what I needed to hear: anger.  Later I went to my bro's apartment and we played ping pong.  My God we're good.  Then I was off to another meeting in the fine city of White Bear Lake.  I met a bunch of great people who really made me feel welcome. 

The beautiful thing about this weekend was that I was not stuck in my own head.  I was able to get outside of myself.  What a relief!

$Bonus Day$

I have a knack for turning something good into an occaision for despression. I went to Bob V's birthday dinner at Quangs Thursday. It was a ton of fun. Then everyone but me went over to the Meeting. I went to the Spyhouse so I could share my sorry with my fellow depressed artists. Just about everyone in the place, including me, had their laptops out. Smell the community. I obsessed a little about things that can't be and then I went home to be with my wife and kids. I wasn't looking forward to it because wifey was pissed at me for wrecking Love Day.

All is well though because I got my yearly bonus today. Never mind, its already spent.

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

I really suck at Valentine's Day.

 

It could be argued that if you suck at Valentine's Day you also suck at being married.  For me a successful marriage focuses on letting things slide - something I seem to be incapable of doing. 

Lucinda

Alt. country singer Lucinda Williams finally put out a new album yesterday. It is really fracking good. I am constantly seeking music that inspires me. Its been a while since I've listened to anything that I just couldn't get enough of. When that happens I get motivated to sing and play the songs on my guitar and even write some of my own. So I haven't really been playing much lately either. Unfortunately I think depression motivates me creatively too. It makes me want to share my pain with the world. Pain is cool, right? I'm less likely to want to sing about how good it feels to be a good father and husband. I suppose that is pretty messed up. I also struggle with the idea that if I'm not good enough to be a rock star, then what's the point of playing at all? Stuart Smalley would tell me that's the perfectionist in me. I used to think being a perfectionist must be a good thing. Now I realize it is probably the thing that has held me back a lot in my life. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!

Just mailing it in today

A cool feature on Blogger is that I can send an email to my blog and it shows up on the site.  I hope it works because I'm testing out this functionality while I'm bragging about it.

 

So I'm sure you're wondering, "how is John doing today?"  Well, not half bad.  Pretty dang GOoD actually.  I'm looking forward to the men's meeting tonight.  This Thursday Bob V is having a birthday gathering before the CP meeting.  I'm planning on going to the dinner, which should be nice.  However I'm not happy about the fact that I have to head home while everyone else goes on the the Big Show.  I've been thinking about how I can start going to CP again.  Its been more than a year now since I've had any contact with the reason I don't go there.  I'm wondering if it is worth it to raise the issue with my wife.  Maybe it is too soon, maybe not.  I just miss the energy of that meeting.  It would also be nice to hear the speakers.  Yada yada yada.

 

I'm trying to hire a new guy but he wants more money.  I just realized that I kind of suck at this kind of negotiating.  Practice makes perfect (or at least improvement).

Too good

One of the guys on my team at work asked me if that was just Coke I was drinking Friday night and what's that all about? He jokingly asked if I thought I was too good to drink with my colleagues. I replied, absolutely. Kind of a pointless conversation but it is another reminder of how out of place I feel when others are drinking around me. It would be great if I could only surround myself with sober people all the time but that's not realistic. My spiritual condition has to be solid enough to carry me through all of the situations life throws at me. I am grateful that today I don't have to isolate myself from the real world in order to stay sober.

Happy Hour

Yesterday was a little weird. I went to the happy hour gathering in Terry's honor. It was a lot of fun but I think it put me in a strange mood watching my friends enjoying their drinks. Then I went to the in-laws for a birthday party. It was a similar situation there so I went home pretty early. It kind of bugged that I was still being affected by what other people were doing. However I felt a lot better this morning when I woke up with no regrets and no headache. I spent the day watching my kids play basketball. They lost their games but I won.

Terry

It was a year ago that I returned to my desk from a meeting to find paramedics attempting to revive my friend and colleague Terry Welch. They were unsuccessful. Terry left behind a wife and a son who he talked about every chance he could, which was a lot. Terry was a guy who seemed to be aware that time was short so he needed to make the most of it. Like me, he had burned the candle at both ends for much of his life. So he really showed his gratitude for being given a second chance to be a devoted husband and father. Physically, Terry appeared to be a very big, bad ass of a man. So listening to him use baby-talk to describe something cute his son had said was always a jarring experience. He also had no problem telling me how pretty he thought I was. No one tells me I'm pretty at the office any more. The bottom line is that I miss Terry a hell of a lot.

Here is a link to the blog Terry had started just before he died.

http://pigdogsplanet.blogspot.com/

Another Thursday

I've been sober now for 7 months. With the help of God, a 12 step program, my sponsor and my amazing family, my life is getting better everyday. Well, there are days when my level of gratitude is decreased somewhat. For example today doesn't seem that great since I started it out by arguing with my wife on the way to work. Why did we argue? Good question. I suppose it stems from the fact that I'm filled with shame as a result of my many mistakes. That combined with the fact that my wife knows about all my mistakes because she read my 4th step (fearless and searching moral inventory). So I'm a bit sensitive any time she brings up an issue from my dark past. Sometimes its just her tone of voice I don't like. Sometimes everything is lovely and I'm glad to be her husband. Other times I want to get in the car and just keep driving. That's not necessarily connected to anything she does though. There's something inside me that wants me dead. It tells me that I'm missing out on something out there in the world. Something I can only find in dark places like bars, nightclubs and liquor stores. So everyday I pray for protection from my dark side. What I've found is that if I keep praying and keep doing the next right thing, my dark side becomes a smaller and smaller part of my consciousness.

There is an excerpt from a poem by Robert Frost that helps me when my dark side is calling:

The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep