I like excitement. That explains a lot about how I used to get myself into all kinds of trouble. So I've been seeking healthy ways to get my heart pumping. For example, last night I got up and played a couple songs for open mic night at the Atelier coffee house in downtown Minneapolis. What a rush. I sang "Angels Heap," by Neil and Tim Finn and "If I were a carpenter," by Tim Hardin. I don't think I butchered them too badly.

T5R2BGR8FUL4MYWIFE:

1. She had pasta waiting for me when I got home late last night.
2. She thinks I'm a freak.
3. She loves to travel (with me).
4. She believes she is psychic.
5. She makes sure the kids do their homework (sometimes I forget)

Finally

I reclaimed my place in modern society yesterday. I finally saw The Departed, Martin Scorsese's Oscar winning film. That is one good-ass movie. Leonardo DiCaprio is frigging good actor too. So is Jack Nickelson. Not really breaking news I know but that's how I feel about it.

I bought a used laptop on EBay yesterday. I really got caught up in the auction fever so I spent a little more than I had intended. I think I still got a pretty good deal on it though. Its basically the same model I have at work so there shouldn't be any suprises. Riveting information.

I'm planning on playing at an open mic cafe tonight. That is, if I have the balls to get up on stage when my name is called.

Wife top 5:

1. She doesn't freak out when I buy PCs on EBay.
2. She liked The Departed as much as I did.
3. She keeps a clean house.
4. She cooks damn good curry.
5. She stays in great shape.

Quoi?

Mon pere n'aime pas la nouvelle disc de Lucinda Williams. Pourquoi pas mon pere?

An Egyptian guy, Alaa Abdel_Fatah, was recently sentenced to 4 years in prison for being critical in his blog toward Islam and Eygytian President Hosni Mubarak. So I sent him an email letting him know I support him and I think he is pretty danged courageous. It gave me a creepy feeling though that I would get a knock on my door from the ESS (Eygtian Secret Service). Not that there is necessarily such a thing and I doubt they would do much business in WYOMING, where I currently live. Seriously though, that dude has balls. He knew he would get into trouble for sharing his views but he did it anyway. I barely have the balls to be critical of myself on my blog. So here goes:

Fatwa! I declare Jihad on the obsessions that plague my life on a daily basis. I don't need to mention them by name. They know who they are.

T5RTBGFMW (this aint easy because she's been pissing me off lately):

1. She reminds me to eat right.
2. She looks damn good in jeans.
3. She thinks she's pretty funny.
4. She thinks I'm the sexiest man alive.
5. She has good taste in men.

Dylanesque

Did you know Bryan Ferry is releasing a new solo album? Its called Dylanesque so I assume it is a bunch of Bob Dylan covers. That is great because I like Ferry's version of Dylan songs way more than Dylan's version of Dylan songs. Hopefully this also means Bryan Ferry will be going on tour. He is one of my all time favorite artists. However the fact that Bryan Ferry is releasing solo work concerns me. I thought Roxy Music was working on their first new studio recording since 1982. What's up with that?

TFRTBGFMW:

1. She also likes Bryan Ferry.
2. She went to Bryan Ferry's Mamouna concert with me in 1994.
3. She went to the Roxy Music reuinion concert with me in 2004.
4. She knows Bryan Ferry was the lead singer of Roxy Music.
5. She too hopes Roxy Music releases another album.

You win some. You lose some.

I ran into a friend last night at the Atelier Cafe in downtown Minneapolis. Tuesday is open mic night there. I had just missed his performance so we went over to his music studio/apartment to play some muzak. Next Tuesday I'm planning on playing at the open mic event. It should be fun.

In other news...

It doesn't look like its time to bring up the idea of returning to CP. It might be more trouble than its worth at this point. I also need to remember that it is my turn to make sacrifices.

Here are today's top five reasons why I am grateful for my wife:

1. She is a really fun travel companion.
2. She usually laughs at my jokes.
3. She likes Battlestar Galactica.
4. She has a great smile.
5. She sincerely cares about other people.

Here are today's top 5 reason's why I'm grateful for my wife:

1. She knows a-ha is still a great band
2. She appreciates good coffee
3. She is really good to the Arrells
4. She has a tattoo and a pierced belly button
5. She reminds me to take my vitamins

Gratitude

I have a wife who I often take for granted.  So it is time I stop and count the many reasons I have to be grateful for her.  Here are today's top 5:

1. She loves me despite all my failings.
2. She always comforts me when I'm feeling down.
3. She is a great cook.
4. She is a wonderful and loving mother to our kids.
5. She is amazingly beautiful.

In other news...

I had a great weekend.  I went to a meeting Saturday morning where I ran into a bunch of good friends.  Then I went sliding with my kids.  Bone shattering fun!  Later we went to a movie:  The Bridge to Tarabithia.  Dang good film.  The whole family went to church Sunday morning and yet again the sermon focused on exactly what I needed to hear: anger.  Later I went to my bro's apartment and we played ping pong.  My God we're good.  Then I was off to another meeting in the fine city of White Bear Lake.  I met a bunch of great people who really made me feel welcome. 

The beautiful thing about this weekend was that I was not stuck in my own head.  I was able to get outside of myself.  What a relief!

$Bonus Day$

I have a knack for turning something good into an occaision for despression. I went to Bob V's birthday dinner at Quangs Thursday. It was a ton of fun. Then everyone but me went over to the Meeting. I went to the Spyhouse so I could share my sorry with my fellow depressed artists. Just about everyone in the place, including me, had their laptops out. Smell the community. I obsessed a little about things that can't be and then I went home to be with my wife and kids. I wasn't looking forward to it because wifey was pissed at me for wrecking Love Day.

All is well though because I got my yearly bonus today. Never mind, its already spent.

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

I really suck at Valentine's Day.

 

It could be argued that if you suck at Valentine's Day you also suck at being married.  For me a successful marriage focuses on letting things slide - something I seem to be incapable of doing. 

Lucinda

Alt. country singer Lucinda Williams finally put out a new album yesterday. It is really fracking good. I am constantly seeking music that inspires me. Its been a while since I've listened to anything that I just couldn't get enough of. When that happens I get motivated to sing and play the songs on my guitar and even write some of my own. So I haven't really been playing much lately either. Unfortunately I think depression motivates me creatively too. It makes me want to share my pain with the world. Pain is cool, right? I'm less likely to want to sing about how good it feels to be a good father and husband. I suppose that is pretty messed up. I also struggle with the idea that if I'm not good enough to be a rock star, then what's the point of playing at all? Stuart Smalley would tell me that's the perfectionist in me. I used to think being a perfectionist must be a good thing. Now I realize it is probably the thing that has held me back a lot in my life. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!

Just mailing it in today

A cool feature on Blogger is that I can send an email to my blog and it shows up on the site.  I hope it works because I'm testing out this functionality while I'm bragging about it.

 

So I'm sure you're wondering, "how is John doing today?"  Well, not half bad.  Pretty dang GOoD actually.  I'm looking forward to the men's meeting tonight.  This Thursday Bob V is having a birthday gathering before the CP meeting.  I'm planning on going to the dinner, which should be nice.  However I'm not happy about the fact that I have to head home while everyone else goes on the the Big Show.  I've been thinking about how I can start going to CP again.  Its been more than a year now since I've had any contact with the reason I don't go there.  I'm wondering if it is worth it to raise the issue with my wife.  Maybe it is too soon, maybe not.  I just miss the energy of that meeting.  It would also be nice to hear the speakers.  Yada yada yada.

 

I'm trying to hire a new guy but he wants more money.  I just realized that I kind of suck at this kind of negotiating.  Practice makes perfect (or at least improvement).

Too good

One of the guys on my team at work asked me if that was just Coke I was drinking Friday night and what's that all about? He jokingly asked if I thought I was too good to drink with my colleagues. I replied, absolutely. Kind of a pointless conversation but it is another reminder of how out of place I feel when others are drinking around me. It would be great if I could only surround myself with sober people all the time but that's not realistic. My spiritual condition has to be solid enough to carry me through all of the situations life throws at me. I am grateful that today I don't have to isolate myself from the real world in order to stay sober.

Happy Hour

Yesterday was a little weird. I went to the happy hour gathering in Terry's honor. It was a lot of fun but I think it put me in a strange mood watching my friends enjoying their drinks. Then I went to the in-laws for a birthday party. It was a similar situation there so I went home pretty early. It kind of bugged that I was still being affected by what other people were doing. However I felt a lot better this morning when I woke up with no regrets and no headache. I spent the day watching my kids play basketball. They lost their games but I won.

Terry

It was a year ago that I returned to my desk from a meeting to find paramedics attempting to revive my friend and colleague Terry Welch. They were unsuccessful. Terry left behind a wife and a son who he talked about every chance he could, which was a lot. Terry was a guy who seemed to be aware that time was short so he needed to make the most of it. Like me, he had burned the candle at both ends for much of his life. So he really showed his gratitude for being given a second chance to be a devoted husband and father. Physically, Terry appeared to be a very big, bad ass of a man. So listening to him use baby-talk to describe something cute his son had said was always a jarring experience. He also had no problem telling me how pretty he thought I was. No one tells me I'm pretty at the office any more. The bottom line is that I miss Terry a hell of a lot.

Here is a link to the blog Terry had started just before he died.

http://pigdogsplanet.blogspot.com/

Another Thursday

I've been sober now for 7 months. With the help of God, a 12 step program, my sponsor and my amazing family, my life is getting better everyday. Well, there are days when my level of gratitude is decreased somewhat. For example today doesn't seem that great since I started it out by arguing with my wife on the way to work. Why did we argue? Good question. I suppose it stems from the fact that I'm filled with shame as a result of my many mistakes. That combined with the fact that my wife knows about all my mistakes because she read my 4th step (fearless and searching moral inventory). So I'm a bit sensitive any time she brings up an issue from my dark past. Sometimes its just her tone of voice I don't like. Sometimes everything is lovely and I'm glad to be her husband. Other times I want to get in the car and just keep driving. That's not necessarily connected to anything she does though. There's something inside me that wants me dead. It tells me that I'm missing out on something out there in the world. Something I can only find in dark places like bars, nightclubs and liquor stores. So everyday I pray for protection from my dark side. What I've found is that if I keep praying and keep doing the next right thing, my dark side becomes a smaller and smaller part of my consciousness.

There is an excerpt from a poem by Robert Frost that helps me when my dark side is calling:

The woods are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep